This new article will show you everything you need to know about how to get your ex back.
After a breakup, it’s normal to feel lost, conflicted, or even desperate to go back to what once felt safe and familiar. Sometimes, you realize you still care deeply for your ex and want another chance.
But reaching out right away can backfire if you don’t take the time to reflect on what happened and why. Before you even think about asking your ex to get back together, it’s worth slowing down, examining your feelings, and making sure you’re approaching the situation from a place of clarity rather than panic.
How To Get Your Ex Back:
1. Understand the breakup
Every relationship ends for a reason, even if that reason wasn’t obvious at the time. Ask yourself what really caused things to unravel. Did you fight constantly, stop spending quality time together, or avoid difficult conversations until resentment built up? Breakups rarely come out of nowhere—most are the result of a slow accumulation of problems that went unaddressed.
Be honest about your role in what went wrong. Maybe you withdrew emotionally when stressed, or perhaps your ex struggled to communicate their needs. A lot of couples fall apart because neither person feels truly heard, not because of one explosive event.
Communication issues are the most common dealbreaker, but they’re also among the most fixable if both people are willing to put in the work. Other problems, like cheating, financial dishonesty, or controlling behavior, are far more complex. They don’t automatically rule out reconciliation, but they do require deeper reflection and, in many cases, professional help to rebuild trust.
2. Recall who initiated the breakup
Think back to how the breakup actually happened. Were you the one who ended it after weeks of frustration, or did you blurt it out during a heated argument only to regret it afterward? If your ex initiated, what reasons did they give? Did they say they needed space, or were they firm that the relationship wasn’t working for them anymore?
This matters because it shapes the dynamic if you try to reconnect. If you ended things impulsively and your ex didn’t really want to let go, they may be more open to reconciliation. But if they were the one to walk away after carefully weighing their decision, it might take a lot more than just asking to change their mind.
3. Interpret your emotions
In the emotional chaos after a breakup, feelings can be misleading. Missing your ex is not the same as missing the relationship itself, and neither is the same as missing the comfort of not being alone. Almost everyone feels lonely and sad after a split, even when the relationship wasn’t particularly healthy. The intensity of those emotions can trick you into believing you need your ex back in order to feel okay again.
Ask yourself some hard questions: Do you miss the person, or just the routine of having someone around? Did your ex actually make you feel secure, valued, and happy, or do you just miss the highs of being in love? Can you picture building a steady, lasting partnership with them once the initial excitement fades? If the answer is mostly about avoiding loneliness, you may be craving connection in general—not necessarily your ex.
Rushing back into a rekindled relationship without clarity can lead to repeating old cycles of fighting and breaking up again. That’s why it’s crucial to sit with your emotions, let them settle, and figure out whether your desire comes from genuine love or from the discomfort of being single.
4. Avoid contact for the first month
As tempting as it is to text your ex “just to check in,” resist the urge. Giving each other space is one of the healthiest things you can do. It allows both of you to process the breakup without constant reminders and emotional flare-ups. Sometimes silence even makes your ex curious about how you’re doing, which can shift the balance in your favor.
But more importantly, no-contact gives you time to rebuild yourself. During this month, focus on the areas of your life you may have neglected while you were in the relationship. Maybe you put your hobbies aside, lost touch with friends, or neglected your health. Use this time to get those things back. Not only will you feel stronger and more grounded, but you’ll also be in a better position to re-enter any relationship—whether with your ex or with someone new.
5. Focus on yourself
It may sound cliché, but healing after a breakup really does start with you. Fill your days with things that bring you joy and purpose. Go out with friends, start a new project, hit the gym, or finally try something you’ve always wanted to do. The goal isn’t to pretend your ex doesn’t exist, but to remind yourself that your identity isn’t defined by your relationship status.
Psychologists have found that people who regain their sense of self after a breakup recover faster and are less likely to fall back into toxic dynamics. By building up your confidence, independence, and happiness, you put yourself in a place where you don’t need your ex—you simply want them if the relationship truly deserves another shot. And that shift in perspective makes all the difference.
6. Do not chase after your ex during this time
This is the stage where restraint is your best ally. That means no texting them late at night, no scrolling through their social media trying to decode every post, and no casually asking mutual friends about what they’re up to. Those behaviors might feel like they give you control, but in reality, they only make you seem desperate and unable to let go.
The point of creating distance is to allow both of you to breathe and adjust. If your ex reaches out to you, it’s fine to answer—but keep it natural and calm. You don’t need to hang up on them or pretend they don’t exist. Playing hard-to-get often backfires, making things unnecessarily complicated. Instead, aim for balance: you’re open to talking, but you’re not chasing.
It’s also important not to spiral if you hear they’re dating someone new. That might sting, but it doesn’t mean the door is permanently closed. People often date after a breakup as a way to test the waters or distract themselves, and those relationships don’t always last. Jealousy, confrontation, or interference will only push your ex further away. If they’re meant to realize your value, they’ll come to that conclusion on their own—not because you forced their hand.
7. Find out if they’re still interested
Before you put your energy into rebuilding a connection, you need to know if your ex still has feelings for you. The tricky part is that this isn’t something you can just ask outright, especially not too soon. The best way to gauge interest is to pay attention to small, organic signs.
For example, maybe they like or comment on your social media posts more than before, or they bring up shared memories when you run into each other. Perhaps a mutual friend casually mentions that your ex asked how you’ve been. These are subtle signals that they’re still curious about you. What you don’t want to do is send your friends to “spy” or confront your ex about their feelings—this usually comes across as invasive and immature.
Remember, many couples who are now married or living together once broke up before finding their way back to each other. Relationships can survive a separation, but only if both people are still emotionally invested. Your job during this stage is to observe, not to press for answers.
8. Build your self-esteem
One of the biggest mistakes people make after a breakup is hoping that getting back together will fix their feelings of emptiness. If you’re leaning on your ex to make you feel worthy, the relationship is already on shaky ground. True self-esteem has to come from within—you need to believe you’re valuable and capable on your own.
Think about your strengths. Maybe you’re the friend everyone turns to for advice, the person who lights up a room with humor, or the one who always notices the small details others overlook. Write these things down and remind yourself of them. When you start appreciating your own qualities, your confidence grows naturally.
It’s also worth putting those strengths into action. If you’re empathetic, volunteer at a local shelter or mentor someone younger. If you’re creative, throw yourself into painting, music, or design. Doing things that highlight your abilities not only makes you feel good about yourself, but it also makes you more attractive to others—including your ex—because confidence and purpose are magnetic.
9. Be the version of yourself they fell for
Think back to the early days of your relationship. What drew your ex to you? Maybe you had an adventurous spirit, always suggesting spontaneous road trips, or maybe you had a knack for making them laugh when they were stressed. Over time, it’s easy for relationships to dull those qualities as routine and conflict creep in.
Revisit those parts of yourself—not as a performance, but as a genuine reconnection with who you are. If you used to be playful, bring that back. If you once took pride in your passions, start investing in them again. When you feel like your best self, that energy naturally shines through, and others—including your ex—notice.
This doesn’t mean ignoring the mistakes you made or pretending nothing changed. Growth is just as important as rekindling old sparks. If you know you had habits that strained the relationship, like shutting down during arguments or neglecting quality time, take active steps to improve. The combination of familiar warmth and personal growth can be a powerful draw.
10. Refresh your appearance
Physical attraction isn’t everything, but it does matter. After a breakup, it can feel therapeutic to reinvent yourself a little. That might mean updating your wardrobe, trying a new haircut, joining a fitness class, or even just carrying yourself with more confidence. When you look in the mirror and feel good about what you see, it changes the way you present yourself to the world.
This isn’t about pretending to be someone you’re not. It’s about polishing the version of yourself that already exists. Your ex was attracted to you before, so by showing up as the healthiest, most vibrant version of yourself, you remind them of that spark while also demonstrating that you’ve grown since the breakup.
Even small changes—like wearing clothes that make you feel powerful or adopting better posture—can shift how you’re perceived. People are drawn to energy, and when you radiate confidence, it’s impossible not to notice.
11. Spend time with other people
After a breakup, it’s tempting to sit at home and wait for your ex to notice your absence. But the healthier choice—for you and possibly for your chances of reconciliation—is to get out and reconnect with the world. Surrounding yourself with other people reminds both you and your ex that your life doesn’t revolve around them.
This doesn’t mean you need to jump into another romantic relationship or sleep around. Simply being social can shift the dynamic. Go to group outings, join a hiking club, host a game night, or grab dinner with friends of all genders. If your ex notices you’re spending time with others, they may feel that familiar pang of jealousy and realize they’re not ready to see you move on.
Even if you’re not interested in dating, expanding your circle is powerful. Being around positive energy helps you rebuild confidence and reminds you of your own value. For example, catching up with an old friend or meeting new people at a cooking class might give you a fresh spark that your ex can’t help but notice.
12. Casually hang out with your ex
If the opportunity arises, invite your ex to join in something lighthearted and pressure-free. Avoid framing it as a date or diving straight into serious conversations. Think activities that naturally create laughter and shared experiences: bowling with friends, grabbing coffee before work, or playing a few rounds of mini-golf. These moments allow you to rebuild connection without the heavy weight of the past hanging over you.
A strong relationship grows out of friendship, so use this time to strengthen that foundation again. Keep the atmosphere relaxed, avoid forcing “deep talks,” and let fun moments remind both of you why you enjoyed each other’s company in the first place.
If your ex has slipped into the friend zone and even told you they’re “not in love” anymore, don’t panic. Love is not a static feeling—it can be rekindled. Researchers have found that intimacy often develops when two people share personal stories and meaningful eye contact. You could try recreating this naturally: ask thought-provoking questions, listen deeply, and allow yourself to be vulnerable in small ways. Sometimes, attraction sneaks back in when trust and emotional closeness are rebuilt.
13. Ask your ex to talk with you
Once you’ve re-established comfort and friendship, it’s time to move toward an honest conversation. This shouldn’t happen too soon—you want to wait until both of you are relaxed in each other’s company again. When the moment feels right, ask to meet somewhere where you can actually focus on each other, like a cozy coffee shop, your favorite park bench, or even cooking dinner together at home.
Face-to-face is crucial here. Texting and messaging may feel easier, but big conversations get lost in the digital shuffle. When you sit across from each other, you can hear tone, see expressions, and share space in a way that builds real understanding.
14. Use the past to your advantage
Shared history is one of your strongest tools. Little reminders of your connection can reignite warm feelings and nostalgia. Wear that jacket they always said looked great on you. Mention a funny story from a trip you took together. Suggest meeting at the diner you used to visit every Sunday morning. These small cues send a clear but gentle message: you value what you had and still hold it close.
Even objects can spark memories. If they once gave you a bracelet or necklace, wearing it during your meeting might subtly signal that you still care. It’s not about manipulation—it’s about reminding them that your story together has roots worth remembering.
15. Prepare your words
When you finally reach the point of having an honest talk, preparation matters. The first words you choose can set the tone for everything that follows. Start with something that shows respect and thoughtfulness, rather than a dramatic plea. For example, you might say, “I’ve been thinking a lot about us, and I’d really like to talk about where we’ve been and how we both feel now.” This opens the door without pressure.
Be ready for different outcomes. If your ex reveals they’re happy dating someone else, it may be wiser to gracefully accept that and protect your own heart. But if you sense hesitation, curiosity, or lingering affection, gently explore the possibility of a second chance. Share your perspective on what went wrong, what you’ve learned, and how you believe things could be different.
Above all, keep the conversation genuine. The goal isn’t to deliver a perfect speech—it’s to connect honestly and give both of you a chance to see if love is still there.
16. Apologize
If you truly want to rebuild trust, a genuine apology is one of the most powerful tools you have. Take time to reflect on your role in the breakup. Maybe you were dismissive of their feelings, avoided difficult conversations, or took them for granted. Whatever your part was, own it fully. An apology is not about shifting blame, making excuses, or expecting immediate forgiveness—it’s about showing humility and accountability.
The most effective apologies have three parts: regret, responsibility, and remedy. Regret means acknowledging the pain you caused: “I’m really sorry for the times I ignored you when you wanted my attention.” Responsibility means owning your behavior without deflecting: “It was wrong of me, and I understand how much it hurt you.” Remedy means committing to change: “Going forward, I’ll make sure to prioritize quality time so you never feel unimportant again.”
Avoid phrases like “I’m sorry, but…” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Those undercut the apology and make it sound like the blame is on them. A sincere apology clears the slate and shows that you’re serious about doing better. And often, when one person apologizes without defensiveness, the other feels safer to acknowledge their own mistakes too.
17. Talk
Since poor communication is one of the top reasons relationships fail, it needs to be at the center of your second attempt. If you and your ex are giving things another try, you have to create an environment where both of you feel safe to speak honestly. That means no shutting down, no dismissing each other’s concerns, and no bottling up frustrations until they explode.
Start by discussing the areas that caused friction before. If your ex felt neglected because you worked long hours, talk openly about how you can balance work and quality time. If they felt smothered by jealousy, agree on boundaries that give both of you space while maintaining trust.
A practical way to handle this is to create a “game plan” for disagreements. For example, if one of you feels overlooked, instead of retreating or lashing out, you could agree to say: “I need some attention right now, can we talk?” It may sound simple, but clear, proactive communication is what separates couples who stay together from those who repeat old mistakes.
18. Remember what caused you to break up
It’s easy to fall back into old patterns once the excitement of reuniting fades. That’s why it’s so important not to ignore the original reasons your relationship ended. Maybe jealousy created constant tension, or arguments about family never got resolved, or one of you struggled with trust after a betrayal. Those wounds don’t disappear just because you miss each other.
Be mindful of these sensitive areas. If you know you used to fight about money, commit to having regular, calm conversations about finances instead of letting resentment build. If family interference played a role, agree on boundaries and how you’ll handle those situations together. Pretending those issues don’t exist is the fastest way to end up right back where you started.
19. Treat your relationship like a new one
Even though you share history, this new chapter should be treated as its own relationship, not as a continuation of the old one. The first time around ended for a reason, so don’t just pick up where you left off with the same dynamics. Take things slowly, and resist the urge to rush into declarations of love or old routines like spending every night together.
Get to know each other again as the people you’ve become since the breakup. Maybe your ex has developed new interests, new habits, or even a new outlook on life. Give yourselves the space to rediscover one another without assumptions. Go on dates, ask thoughtful questions, and rebuild the excitement of discovery.
Think of it like starting fresh with someone familiar. The goal is to build a stronger, healthier bond than the one you had before.
20. Consider counseling
If your relationship was serious—especially if you lived together or were married—professional counseling can make all the difference. A therapist can help uncover the deeper issues that kept surfacing and give you tools to resolve conflicts in healthier ways. For instance, if trust was broken by infidelity, a counselor can guide you both through the painful process of rebuilding it.
Research shows that couples who repeatedly break up and get back together often experience lower levels of satisfaction and stability. That doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, but it does mean you’ll have to put in extra effort to make it last. Counseling provides structure, accountability, and guidance so you’re not just relying on hope—you’re actively building a foundation that can withstand challenges.
21. Watch for signs that your relationship won’t work
Sometimes love isn’t enough to make a relationship healthy. Even if you still have strong feelings for your ex, there are situations where getting back together will only cause more pain. One of the clearest red flags is abuse of any kind. If your ex ever hit you, pressured you into sex, or forced you into situations that made you feel unsafe, that is not love—that is abuse. No apology or promise to change can erase that, and the healthiest choice is to walk away permanently.
Another dealbreaker is the absence of respect. If your relationship was filled with insults, name-calling, or belittling each other’s accomplishments, then the foundation isn’t strong enough to rebuild. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical harm, and over time it erodes your confidence and self-worth. A partner should build you up, not tear you down.
Infidelity is another tough area. While some couples do manage to recover after cheating, trust is incredibly fragile once it’s broken. Rebuilding it takes time, consistency, and often professional counseling. If cheating was a recurring pattern, the likelihood of a healthy future together is slim. Sometimes, the hardest truth to accept is that your ex isn’t capable of giving you the honesty and loyalty you deserve.
22. Listen to your friends and family
When you’re in the middle of strong emotions, it’s easy to lose perspective. That’s why the opinions of people who love you can be so valuable. Friends and family often notice things you miss because they’re not clouded by nostalgia or hope. If multiple people in your circle have expressed concerns about your ex, it’s worth pausing to ask yourself why.
Don’t dismiss their warnings as jealousy or meddling. Instead, sit down and have an honest conversation. Ask them: “What specifically makes you feel uneasy about this relationship?” Maybe they saw your ex disrespect you in public, or maybe they know things you don’t. For example, a friend might have overheard your ex flirting with someone else at a party, or your sibling might have noticed how withdrawn you became during the relationship. These outside perspectives can act as a reality check when your heart wants to ignore red flags.
Of course, not every negative opinion is valid—sometimes people simply don’t click with your partner. But when criticism is consistent and comes from people who genuinely care about you, it’s wise to take their insight seriously.
23. Accept the breakup and move on
Not every love story is meant to circle back. If you’ve tried reflection, self-improvement, and reconnection but still find that the relationship isn’t healthy or fulfilling, the bravest step you can take is to let it go. Moving on doesn’t mean pretending the relationship didn’t matter—it means learning from it and allowing yourself to heal.
One powerful way to process the end is to reframe it in terms of growth. Maybe being with your ex taught you what qualities you want in a partner, or maybe the breakup pushed you to discover your own strength and independence. Researchers suggest that intentionally focusing on the positive aspects of a breakup—by journaling for 15–30 minutes a day for three consecutive days—can help you release bitterness and gain perspective.
Afterward, give yourself space. Spend time with friends who make you laugh, throw yourself into hobbies you love, or even travel to a new place to reset your mind. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but the more you invest in yourself, the easier it becomes to imagine a future without your ex at the center of it. Eventually, when you’re steady and whole again, you’ll be ready to welcome love back into your life—this time with someone who matches your growth and respects your worth.
Summary
Getting your ex back is less about clever tricks and more about reflection, growth, and rebuilding trust. First, take a step back and understand why the breakup happened. Be honest about your role in it and decide if the relationship is truly worth saving. Give yourself space by avoiding contact for at least a month—this helps you process emotions, regain balance, and figure out if you genuinely miss your ex as a person or just the comfort of being in a relationship.
During that time, focus on yourself. Rebuild your self-esteem, spend time with friends, try new activities, and work on areas where you fell short before. When you’re ready, allow casual, lighthearted contact with your ex—no heavy conversations at first. Re-establishing a foundation of friendship and fun makes it easier to remind them why they fell for you in the first place.
If things progress, have an honest face-to-face talk about your past and whether a future together is possible. Offer a real apology for your mistakes, avoid excuses, and show through actions that you’ve changed. Use shared memories to spark warmth, but treat the relationship as something new, not just a continuation of the old one. Go slowly, set fresh boundaries, and rebuild trust step by step.
At the same time, be realistic. Watch out for red flags like abuse, disrespect, or repeated cheating—these are signs the relationship isn’t worth saving. Listen to the perspectives of trusted friends and family, as they often see things you might miss. And if after trying you realize it’s not healthy or sustainable, allow yourself to let go, heal, and move on.
