This article has everything you need to know about how to get over jealousy issues in a relationship.
Jealousy – what is it really all about? Jealousy has been around since the dawn of humanity and will be until the end of time. So what is jealousy?
In the American heritage dictionary states that it is: Fearful of loss of position or affection, resentful in rivalry; envious, possessively watchful; vigilant.
Moreover, envy has a strong tie to jealousy in that it reads from the same book as: A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by another’s desirable possessions or qualities, with a strong desire to have them for oneself.
It continues to read as compared to jealousy: A possession of another that is strongly desired. One who possesses what another strongly desires.
How To Get Over Jealousy Issues In a Relationship
Now, if you’re not confused about the differences between jealousy and envy you could be with a second look. Did you notice that the dictionary co-mingled envy into the jealousy definition; however, did not insert jealousy into envy.
Distinguishing one from the other would be wise in order to examining oneself with regard to this feeling.
When a person shows envy, it’s more tied to another’s possessions; whereas, in one being jealous, it is more rooted in someone losing another’s affections or their positions in life.
Although, the two can, and many times are intertwined, this can cause more confusion for a person who desires to understand them better.
The psychology behind this delusional emotion…..
It cannot be overstated that a jealous emotion is triggered by one’s lack of personal security within themselves: therefore, when one feels less than totally secure, the mind can spin itself into a web of self-doubt instantly.
Insecurity is a natural emotion we have had since we were children. We are insecure when mommy or daddy is not around. As a child, we are insecure when we are left somewhere for a seemingly longer than normal period of time. As we grew, so did our insecurities.
When other kids would tease or belittle you in school for, what we would consider now to be trivial and nonsensical, our security was questioned.
Comprehensively, the insecurities from being young to adulthood can, and many times do, grow quite abundantly. Jealousy, in many people, will simply not
be left behind in the compilation of insecurities and so many times we stuff it inside our internal luggage compartment along with control, manipulation, and self-worth among the many other dead weights.
We only trust what we can truly believe inside. If there is an overwhelming sense of doubt about your mate’s intentions, you can bet a jealous emotion might not be far behind. So, what is the line that people cross that simply is so overbearing that it sabotages one’s relationships?
If there is a natural residue of jealous emotions embedded deep inside all of us, then crossing into a different realm of this feeling to a pathologic degree detrimentally affects the health of a relationship.
When you cannot fully trust in your partner whether spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend; then your security within the confines of the relationship is compromised. This can manifest itself into your own internal wheels spinning out of control, thinking and analyzing too much.
‘The wheels of this feeling use regular fuel to propel itself and by mixing trust into the equation, you have a full-fledged rocket powered sports car’!
If people have a legitimate reason for not trusting their mate, and have a good sense of security, they will not present the same behaviors as the classic insecure individual: this someone who is so watchful that
they can envision their mate with another on an intimate basis, and many times do uncontrollably.
Usually, when people are confronted with the fact that they are not trusted by their mate whenever they are outside their home, they tend to feel poorly about their position within the relationship, therefore breeding nothing but bad feelings towards it.
Once more, if one is constantly being barraged by accusatory bullets of indiscretions, then the tires wear to the point where the tread starts to evaporate.
For example, in one’s mind, you tend to wonder why your mate is so obsessed with your not talking to the opposite sex at work, or at a restaurant.
It then becomes an obsession of sorts. This obsession circulates inside the jealous mind like a house with all the windows open.
Its cycle of distrust is embedded within the accuser many times, to the point of destroying the relationship it tries so very hard to protect.
Whether you warrant your mate’s untrusting vigilance, or you have never given any reason for it, the key to unlocking the door that holds the relationship hostage lives within the jealous mind.
Re-wiring and training the brain to not always react when dealing with jealousy by understanding its security root and letting trust and faith back into the relationship, simply injects much more health into its existence.
All of this for three easy payments of letting go! Letting go of the concepts that imprison a jealous person; letting go of feeling insecure inside the relationship, whether past experiences or not, and letting go of not trusting the other person to the extent that it incapacitates the relationship.
When you let go of an unrealistic notion, you are thinking with the lucid clarity and logic that you have always been blessed with but could never come to realize.
Living under these health-filled conditions yields more fruit then one could ever imagine and glides instead of sputters a relationship towards a brighter, more prosperous future.
Easier said than done, right?
It all depends on what internal and external forces one lets impede their progress. If one always put their best foot forward to only go two back because of internal strife, it would equal a two to one negative ratio.
However, if one proceeds just the opposite with two forward and as life would have it, one back because in life nothing is perfect, then mounting a program for progress can be undertaken.
This emotion can be tackled and beat. Whether one woman is jealous of another and the claws are always out, or a man cannot literally stand the thought of his wife looking at another man where he may, in turn, wind up stalking her.
If a person is so insecure that letting go of the very grip this emotion takes upon them is merely impossible through self-examination or professional assistance, it could not only destroy the relationship, but lead to more serious consequences such as physical abuse or worst, murder.
Getting to this point where a relationship is on the verge of being destroyed because of someone else’s false assumptions or misguided ideas puts the onus onto the accuser to make or break the deal.
However, when the person accused starts to bring this problem to light to the accuser, specific needs must be addressed verbally towards the jealous person that enables them to fully understand the magnitude of the situation at hand.
If the jealous person cannot remedy themselves through these hardline talks and measures, then seeking out professional help is not a bad idea.
However, you cannot squeeze anything out of a rock?!
There is a cost-benefit analysis that people could practically plug into every aspect of decision-making in life, and this is no exception.
Is the cost of staying in a relationship under these conditions worth the benefit it yields in the long term, or is it simply too costly to maintain its existence?
Jealous people have an insecurity issue; there’s no doubt about that….and that’s not unusual or out-of-the-ordinary for many people that walk this earth.
However, taking into consideration the degree to which they feel less secure about themselves and how they perceive a threat to one’s love for them or time spent; they’ll succumb to feelings of jealousy due to their internal security conflicts.
This isn’t a major psychological malfunction!
If you’re the jealous person or dealing with one who is, this usually doesn’t alone indicate a disorder by itself. Although, if you couple or place on top of jealousy a personality disorder, you have the makings of a true powder keg times ten!
As we all know, everyone is a little bit different from each other and many times a lot! With that being said, the lines that delineate between specific disorders can sometimes be skewed or blurred together.
It is very important to note the ‘gasoline’ that can truly exacerbate a jealous person into a wild rage of instability.
It’s important to note as well that personality disorders are not necessarily classified as a tried and true mental disorder.
However, they can and many times do lead to a diagnosis of mental disorder if left untreated altogether.
Let’s take a look at that ‘gas’ that makes jealousy ten times worst.
The Antisocial Personality Disorder:
While much more prevalent in the male population, this can affect the female population as well.
Some of the cornerstone characteristics of this affliction is lack of guilt, impulsive, unconcerned for others’ emotions or feelings, can be very charming, show signs of passive aggressive behavior, and can have criminal histories that they often don’t share with many people.
This person is completely self-absorbed, they lack empathetic
characteristics or the capacity for empathy, they can be controlling, selfish, insensitive towards others, and intolerant to anything other than what they want.
In fits of rage, jealousy on top of this disorder can lead to dire consequences for all parties involved.
Anankastic /Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder:
This is not OCD or to be confused with obsessive compulsive disorder as that can take on a whole host of other traits. But the problems associated with these sort of people is an overabundance or over fixation on details, schedules, lists, rules, and the like.
This person is so pre-occupied with something or someone that it many times impedes their abilities to finish tasks at work, takes away from leisure based opportunities, and can lead to a compulsive watchfulness onto another individual when jealousy is felt by them.
They see the glass as half-empty many times and overblow or make too much of a conversation their significant other is having in a casual manner.
This is a dangerous individual if left too long to their own devices and can sink into more pronounced mental disorders if not corrected in a logical, psychiatric based setting (as in seeing a psychiatrist).
Paranoid Personality Disorder:
Unfortunately, this one disorder can be the matches to jealousy’s gas; and when combined, be utterly explosive!
A person who is persistently watchful for others and what they could succumb to if they let their guard down, this individual is literally looking for ‘what they perceive’ as clues to confirm their paranoia.
Usually an outwardly confident person, can display oversensitivity to harsh rebuttals by another or keep humiliation and shame ‘close to the vest’ or drive farther inward.
It may be difficult for this type of person to engage and perhaps sustain intimate relationships with others, but when they are capable of such a feat, they hold on for dear life!
If they feel as though someone is embarking on their turf (their boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife), they will many times lash out at their significant other and the other party they feel threatened by or jealous towards.
Schizoid Personality Disorder:
In this afflicted person, they many times discount the external environments around them and focus more inwards, towards themselves.
They can be daydreamers and become lost in their own fantasy worlds for lengthy periods of time. When in relationships, they find the experience distressing overall and many times overly difficult to maintain.
If they sense another trying to steal away the affections, love, or attention they could be receiving from their significant other, they can manifest their dreamlike world of fantasy and the like into a skewed reality that only they can seemingly interpret.
Therefore, mixing this type of personality with the feelings associated with jealousy can also be disastrous overall when things are allowed to ‘get out of control’.
Dependent Personality Disorder:
This individual is generally incapable of making decisions and even doing everyday activities without the assistance of others. Their view of themselves are ‘a person who is helpless’ and ‘without the capacity to stand on their own two feet’.
Therefore, they are emotionally and sometimes physically dependent on their significant other in every way imaginable. They feel completely unified with that person and become very protective and many times secretly idolize the ground that person walks on.
The feeling of being left or abandoned can be overwhelming to this person and they many times do everything in their power to make certain that doesn’t happen.
If they feel slighted even in the most marginal of ways as it pertains to someone else taking what they feel is theirs, they can throw a fit and that fit can many times turn physical and escalate into unwanted
Borderline Personality Disorder:
Often related by the professional psychiatric community to sexual abuse as a child; (especially in woman), this disorder is commonly confused or diagnosed in men as anti-social personality disorder.
Their relationships are many times on a poor foundation that is coupled with emotional instability, loud outbursts, impulsive overreactions (especially when criticized), and bouts of overly intensified rage.
There is a direct link to this disorder and suicidal tendencies overall; and many times there is a history with coming into contact with health care facilities as a result.
The theory behind such a disorder classification is that it resides on the borders of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder and neurotic/anxiety disorders.
If intertwined with feelings of jealousy, this person can do some real damage to themselves and others if given the opportunity.
There is often a fine line many ‘easily prompted jealous individuals’ walk whereby they logically know that their feelings of jealousy (1) are unwarranted, however, due to their personality disorder, insecurities about themselves, or mere fear of abandonment, they choose to stay within that emotional mindset and allow those feelings to migrate their consciousness on a continual basis.
If you are a ‘naturally jealous person’, your own confidence shortcomings can be overcome by disallowing those feelings of inadequacy or fear of abandonment to come into your mind.
By stopping those thoughts from passing through your consciousness’ door, you empower your ability to fight jealousy at its root.
This certainly takes a mature mindset who can identify with what is going on in their head (from a jealousy) standpoint and who are willing and able to take action on those thoughts when they arise.
A person who has the capacity for jealousy has to also understand that they can only control themselves and what ultimately happens to them, not what their significant other does or doesn’t do.
Therefore, if your significant other chooses to spend time with another individual while in your company, flirts intentionally or unintentionally; or even makes remarks about another in a significantly overt or different light, it is simply their choice to make.
That is how to ‘get the jealous persons attention and make them even more jealous’, or it’s an exit strategy from the relationship perhaps. Nonetheless, it is uncalled for altogether, but jealousy shouldn’t be a component of equation.
The point is, control only what you can control and let others make their mistakes if they’re not fully committed to you. As a result, they may lose you altogether due to their ‘not playing by the logical relationship rules’.
Jealousy is an emotion we can all control and not allow inside our minds, but when the person is incapable of doing just that, there has to be major concern for a personality disorder that is already in place that simply feeds off of that feeling of jealousy.
Don’t be afraid to work through a disorder that you, a psychologist, or psychiatrist has diagnosed you with if you’re susceptible to fits of jealousy or fears of loss/abandonment.
Personality disorders are not that uncommon and do have a direct effect on how we personally perceive our own intimate relationships.
Time is of the essence in overcoming jealousy!
Time waits for no one and is indifferent to everyone’s needs. Is it more
valuable than money?
Probably; however, that truly depends on who you ask, but if it was my decision, I would take three hundred guaranteed good years of life with very little money versus fifty to a hundred with plenty of wealth.
So many times, time itself is wasted in relationships (2) that, (from a logical thinking mind), is obviously a dead end?
Although, hoping for things to get better can use up a lot of that precious time and many of us can be spending in more fruitful and mutually beneficial relationships.
Happiness is what we all deserve, and seeking it out is what we all should do; however, repairing what is wrong with us is absolutely attainable with self-examination using logic as a basis for it.
In turn, mending of a relationship by repairing yourself is worth every minute spent on it because of the foundation and history that exists within a couple.
Undoubtedly, not giving up by working on overcoming jealous behaviors, curbing their existence through dealing with one’s own security issues, can preserve that time invested and propel the relationship into the future.
Everyone has a choice and there are always two ways of looking at it, but at the end of the day admission of the problem, and then attempting vigorously to obtain solutions for the betterment of the relationship is the only way it can survive.
Otherwise, it is doomed for another chunk of time wasted that one could have been using more effectively, and therefore, moving on would be the next inevitable step.
Remember that everything can be controlled when it comes to allowance into your brain; thoughts are controllable, regardless of what you may think otherwise.
Perceptions need not be skewed and the actions of others are something you need not try to control….it’s completely futile altogether.
Take the necessary steps if you feel you have a disorder or attempt to help a loved one if you feel they may be afflicted with one.
In addition here is a jealousy quote if you will, “If you’re the one with the problem with being jealous, take logical inventory of your emotions and if the other person in your relationship is being disloyal and creating havoc by getting too close to another person, simply disregard your jealousy and then calmly let the person know your feelings overall….that it’s not O.K. to place your relationship in that manner.
And if it happens again despite you telling them your honest feelings, leave the relationship as it’s not in your best interest to continue under those conditions.”
There simply is no need to be jealous in a relationship; by adhering to the ‘standard and logical parameters’ of any given relationship (and holding the other person accountable under those same conditions), any person can avoid this feeling and let their God given logic lead the way.
Jealousy needs to be taken seriously, but it is treatable and avoidable altogether!
I sincerely wish every reader the very best in fixing this problem and to know that relationships need loyalty and commitment to survive; it just takes the willingness of both parties to come together for the betterment of each other.