How To Figure Out What You Want In a Relationship: (12 Ways)

This article has everything you need to know about how to figure out what you want in a relationship. 

It can be hard to know exactly what you want from a relationship, especially if you’re young or inexperienced. And if you’ve dated before, every relationship is different and you may have different interests now than before.

It’s a long journey to figure out what you want in an intimate relationship, but it’s worth it.

How To Figure Out What You Want In a Relationship:

1. Make a list of things that are non-negotiable.

It’s easier to find out what you don’t want in a relationship than to find out what you do want. It can be difficult to find out what you want, but you’re usually pretty sure what you don’t want.

Sit down and make a list of conditions that disqualify a possible partner.

2. Identify which of your personal preferences you cannot sacrifice.

Personal preferences can be defined as the path in life you want to follow. For example, it will be unrealistic to expect your partner to embrace your religion if they are of a different faith.

However, you can be sure of your own preferences, so you can identify which values and beliefs are non-negotiable.

For example, if you value honesty, you are unlikely to get along with a partner who cheats on you. What’s more, if your wife expects you to cheat, it will certainly lead to a rift in your relationship.

3. Think about old relationships you’ve had.

Think about previous relationships you have had, whether intimate, platonic or familial. Think about the reasons that led to the failure of the relationship in those cases where it ended badly.

What in those relationships made you sad or unhappy?

Make a list of any negative habits you may have noticed in your past relationships with unfulfilling partners, colleagues or family members. Think of these issues as a starting point for something you don’t want in the future.

4. Think about any problems you have observed in relationships around you.

Other people’s relationships also affect you. You’ve almost certainly spent time with friends or family members who were romantically involved.

And if you’ve had the opportunity to observe them, you may have been aware of problems these people were having.

Pay attention to any warning signs you see in other people’s relationships that you don’t want to see in your own. Learning from other people’s failures will help you have more fulfilling friendships in the future.

SEE ALSO: How To Be More Affectionate To Your Partner: (20 Ways)

5. Take care of yourself first.

Often people make the mistake of looking for a love relationship that completes them. Your partner, on the other hand, can only serve as a compliment to you; you should be doing great on your own.

Feeling complete involves gaining self-respect, which is not dependent on the love of another person.


Think about what kind of relationship you want.

What are the goals for both you and your partner? Try to be as objective as possible about yourself.

This will help you distinguish between the types of people you don’t want to date, the behavioural habits you don’t want to repeat, and the type of relationship you really want.

7. Turn the list of disincentives into a list of prioritised values.

Go back to the list of non-negotiables. You will now discover some things you really like by discovering what you don’t want. Turn the list of things that reject you into qualities that are desirable in a partner (1).

When you think of more “nice to have” qualities, add them to the list. Being absolutely honest is important. Set this aside if external beauty is a deal breaker for you.

But still focus on attributes such as intellect, patience and empathy rather than appearances.

Religion and politics, which may or may not be important to you, should also be considered. Nothing should be overlooked, no matter how insignificant it may seem.

8. Be the kind of person you would want to date.

One way to get the most out of the experience of finding your dream partner is to represent the qualities you are looking for.

This approach will help you decide what you’re able to offer in a relationship, as well as checking that your standards are reasonable.

Having a list of expectations without expecting this in yourself is unfair. Embodying the qualities you want, on the other hand, makes you a desirable partner who is more likely to meet someone like you.

For example, if good health and well-being are important qualities you want in a spouse, spend a month focusing solely on your own health – eating well, exercising, managing tension and getting enough sleep.

Maintain your healthy habits for the rest of the month.

Suppose you described “being rich” as a trait you desire. If you think it will be difficult for you to become rich overnight, change this trait to something like “is financially secure”.

SEE ALSO: How To Fall In Love With Your Partner Again: 10 Inspiring Ways

9. Go out with a small group of people with no expectations.

You can make lists and check past partnerships for clues, but the easiest way to find out what you want in a relationship is to start random dates.

Take a few people out for lunch, ice cream or drinks that seem to fit the criteria.

However, be aware of the shortcomings when entering this domain. It is possible if you do not want to be sexually involved with multiple people at the same time.

Often, to avoid hurt feelings, make sure you express that you are dating lightly. If you don’t have a normal relationship with others, set a date when you can avoid seeing them.

Break off contact with everyone else and listen to your instincts if someone seems serious or if you start to be more attracted to one person than another.

10. Consider the match with different partner candidates.

Think about how well each person matches your personal beliefs, ambitions and desires when you spontaneously date several potential partners.

Make sure that no one person reflects all the values on your list of undesirable traits. Don’t forget about your own desires and needs as you get to know this person.

At this stage, you may automatically feel a stronger bond or fit with one person than with others. Now is the time to cut ties with everyone else so you can focus on improving and maintaining your relationship with your chosen person.

If on paper you seem like a successful couple, but in reality there won’t be much chemistry between you – that’s okay!

Instead of trying to force things, meet another person.

11. Consider getting engaged after the trial period is over.

Any short-term is seen through rose-coloured glasses – very optimistic. Everything the other person does or is doing is delightful. The pristine atmosphere that surrounds this person begins to fade over time.

Prepare for this eventuality by thinking about what things will be like in a few months or years after the process of falling madly in love has passed.

When the rose-coloured glasses fall off, you need to think about whether the seemingly small details that annoy you about your partner will be magnified.

Go back through the list and see if you’ve overlooked any important ideals or qualities you expected.

12. Maintain eye contact with your partner.

If you and your partner discover that you share common beliefs, ambitions, desires and outlook on life, it may be time to have a frank conversation about where you are.

If you have found that this person represents everything you are looking for in a partner, see if he or she feels the same.

Be honest with yourself about your feelings (2). It is best to decide early on if your partner is not committed to a long-term relationship.

Don’t make the mistake of assuming that you can convince him or her to change their mind.

Ask for some private time with your partner to share your thoughts about the relationship. It is important to establish whether your partner sees the two of you in the long term and whether he or she is ready to live together.

I want to thank you for taking the time to read my article about how to figure out what you want in a relationship. I sincerely hope its contents have been a good help to you. +